Bittersweet

FYI: I'm too lazy to proof read this prior to posting it, so please read over any typos and imperfections!!!

I've have discovered many things over the past four weeks...both good and bad. I have come to the conclusion that nothing can prepare a woman for motherhood; nothing can prepare a woman for the emotional roller coaster that comes with motherhood. People always talk about how wonderful and beautiful it is to be a new mom, but rarely talk about the difficulties. I have debated over putting my feelings that have developed over the past month on here for fear of people judging me (you know, showing you the whole picture not just the pretty parts...) I have decided to post about it in hopes of receiving advice and even words of comfort!

Warning: I'm going to talk a lot about breast feeding and boobs so proceed at your own will!

When Addison was born, the nurses had me use a nipple shield immediately because she wasn't able to latch on because my nipples weren't protruding enough. Once I had the shield I felt like breastfeeding was going really well. I had a few bumps in the road and a little pain, but really, it was a breeze but there was a problem...Addison wasn't gaining weight. After three weeks she still wasn't at her birth weight. We have been in and out of the doctor at least once if not twice a week for weight checks. After three weeks, the doctor sent me back to a lactation consultant to wean Addi off of the nipple shield. After my consultation with the nurse, I felt we had just made it over a huge hurtle. Addi was suddenly able to eat A LOT more milk in a much shorter time. I couldn't wait for her to go to her next dr.'s appt. as I was sure she would be at her birth weight. Three days later, Addi weighed only 1.5 more ounces. Throughout this time I had been back to the lactation consultant as I was having SEVERE pain while breastfeeding. (I told Eli that I would rather give birth a thousand times over than breastfeed one more time...it was HORRIBLE.) I began to feel like I was failing at breastfeeding and being a mom. Here my baby was having difficulties gaining weight and I was hesitant to feed her because of my pain.

Just last Wednesday I went back to the lactation consultant because Addi's doctor wanted to check her weight before and after a feeding just to make sure she was getting a sufficient amount of milk. While I was there, I told the nurse that it still hurts really bad. (At this point it has almost been one week without the shield and she and another consultant had told me that it shouldn't hurt after a week.) Anyway, the nurse told me she was latching on fine, I just needed to shove her face further into my boob. (I knew this wasn't the problem as the pain never eased up let alone subsided...) Needless to say, she really wasn't much help. She made me feel even worse, like I was truly failing at breastfeeding. After all, it's supposed to be this wonderfully amazing bonding experience...What was wrong with me? I came home and just bawled to Eli telling him about the whole experience....it sucked.

Anyway, Thursday came and went with similar pain but on Friday I thought we had finally made progress. I had pain when she latched on but then it would ease up and I barely felt anything...it was wonderful! I was really relieved and hoped that we were finally on the right road...

Guess I was wrong. I am in worse pain today than I have been since I started this whole process. My nipples are now both cracked and bleeding. I don't what to do. Addi's had a lot of problems pulling in her bottom lip and we have successfully rectified that problem, but now I think she's sucking in her top lip and I don't know how to get it out. I don't feel like I can go back to the lactation consultant. What she going to do? Tell me how I am failing and how her lip is fine like she did last time when I thought Addison was pulling it in? I don't need to hear it. I don't know if I can keep going with this. I have tried to stay positive, but I have never felt more alone and helpless. I want what's best for Addi. I want her healthy and striving. HAPPY NOTE: while today has been very stressful and depressing, it has been wonderful too! When we went to the doctor this morning, Addison weighed 7lbs 8oz!!! Finally, four weeks after her birth, she met and surpassed her birth weight!!! WHAT A HUGE RELIEF!

So my question is, has anybody had problems with their child pulling their top lip in and if so, how do I fix it? Should I buck up and go talk to the lactation consultant again?

I SO SO SO want breastfeeding to be the wonderful thing that people talk about. I want to feel like I am being successful in feeding my child. I can't handle the feelings that this is making me have....

I promise my next post will be happy and talk of all the exciting and wonderful things that come with being a mommy...after all, there are MANY! Until then, here are some happy pictures of little Addi!